Posts Tagged ‘teens’

Learning From Experience

Thursday, January 5th, 2012

Once again I find myself hovering over my 17-year-old son, trying to convince him to NOT wait until the last minute to finish an assignment he has been putting off. And, once again, he is telling me not to worry, that he will get it done, he has a plan. I know his plan: staying up all night the night before it’s due, reading until his eyes turn red. But I know something will come up to get in the way. He’ll fall asleep (probably), he’ll suddenly remember another assignment due at the same time that takes precedence (possibly), or something much more fun will present itself and he just won’t be able to resist it (definitely). This pattern repeats itself over and over again. No matter how many times I try to reason with him, he keeps going back to his old procrastinating self. I say the same things every time. ”If you wait until the last minute and you get sick, you won’t feel like doing it.” ”If you wait until the last minute, you’ll be stressed-out and won’t be able to do as good a job as I know you’re capable of.” ”If you wait until the last minute and something else comes up, you’ll have to miss out on the fun because you put off doing your work.” Except the fun part almost always happens.

I don’t know why he has to be this way. You’d think by now he would have caught on that it is so much easier to do the work in smaller batches than try to get it all done in one marathon session at the last minute. No matter how persuasive my argument is, he just won’t do what I want him to. He has so many talents: a graceful, athletic ability that is a joy to watch, a wonderful sense of humor, a willingness to pitch in and help when he sees someone in need, and an uncanny way of nearly always charming me out of a funk, whether he is the cause of it or not. Unfortunately, time-management is not one of his gifts, as frustrating for me as that may be.

As his parent, I try to guide him, help him learn from my experience (in my head I can hear my Mom saying ”good luck with that”), pass on all the time-management skills I have learned over the years. Take a big task and break it down into smaller, more manageable portions. Figure out how much time you need to spend on your project each day. Think the task through before you start so you don’t have to figure the whole thing out as you go. It all seems so simple when it is laid out in front of you.

Except you actually have to put it all into practice. It’s one thing to know what you should do and another to do it. The truth is, I had to learn these skills through experience and consequences, and I’m still far from perfect. Leading by example sometimes only goes so far, and while I do mostly follow my own great advice, it’s still tempting to tell, yell, and cajole him into better management skills, as ineffective as that tactic may be. When all is said and done, I realize that my son will have to learn the same way I did: by messing up and paying my dues. In the meantime, hope springs eternal that at least some of my good habits will rub off on him. I know my mom still holds out hope for me!

One-Day Tuesday Mystery Item - August 2

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2011

One-Day Tuesday Mystery Item - Only $2.97, Was $14.99. Click http://www.chinaberry.com to see today’s specially-discounted item. Today (8/2/11) Only. Price goes back up tomorrow (8/3/11). Limit one per customer. Shop Now!

Flying 101: Giving Them Wings

Friday, May 6th, 2011

To say that I’m having a hard time letting my kids go is probably the understatement of the year. At 13 and 16, they both tower over me, and you’d think now that we are knee deep in ‘The Teenage Years’ I’d be getting better at this, but I’m not. The first time I realized I should loosen my near death grip on my growing young boys-to-men was when my 13-year-old’s voice coach asked, oh so gently, if I would consider letting Ben walk to her door by himself. Apparently other kids are dropped off at the curb and walk into her house on their own. Well, to say this was a huge eye-opener is no exaggeration. To my credit, I didn’t even realize I was being perhaps a teeny weeny bit overprotective! Now that I think about it, it is both hilarious and absolutely mortifying to me that I accompanied my son to her door, week after week, waving at her each time. It brings back memories of walking him to his classroom in kindergarten.

The second incident, and the one that really got my attention, happened at a soccer game. While I’ve seen my share of jaw-dropping, heart-lurching injuries, amazingly my boys have remained fairly injury-free. So when my 16-year-old motioned to his coach that he needed out of the game, I sat up and paid attention. As I watched Daniel slightly limp off the field, it was as if he were transformed into a little boy all over again. Almost without realizing it, I found myself getting up and walking over to the bench to check on him. His kind coach caught my eye, probably wondering what the heck I was doing! That was enough to stop me in my tracks, literally. I blinked and in that moment I saw that my son was not 6 years old anymore! If I walked over to see how he was, he would never live it down! Yes, I have a loooong way to go!

We all have times in our kids’ lives when we struggle to accept that they’re older and ready for more responsibility. I’ve had the good fortune to be around kind souls who took a chance and either with their words or a simple glance helped me acknowledge these young men as the mature guys they really are. If you find yourself in a similar situation — one that could potentially blow up in your face and humiliate both you and your child — take a moment to make sure you aren’t holding your children back by trying to protect them too much. To all the like-minded mothers who may need a course in Flying 101, know that you are not alone and there are other mothers (and fathers, I’m sure!) who are standing on the precipice themselves, slowing peeling back one finger at a time to let our dear children go.

My Tumultuous Teens

Friday, February 18th, 2011

Living with teenagers can be a tricky and trying experience at times. They can be happy and carefree one minute, then, without warning, the storm clouds roll in, and they turn into surly, withdrawn creatures, barely making eye contact and communicating only with grunts and monosyllabic words. Then for no apparent  reason, the universe shifts once again, and they cheerfully ask, ‘What’s for dinner?’ It’s enough to make your head spin. There are moments when I long for what now seem like much simpler times: bubble baths and shampoo mohawks, seemingly endless bedtime stories, sticky fingers and faces, hugs, and little boy voices saying,  ‘I love you, Mommy.’ Now, instead of giggly bubble baths, there are never-ending showers that use up all the hot water. Instead of my putting the boys to sleep with a bedtime story (or two, or three), my boys wake me up late at night  to let me know they made it home safe and sound. The hugs have morphed into a kind of one-shoulder lean with no arms involved, over in an instant no matter how I try to hang on to them.

But of all the changes that have occurred through the years, the one that causes me to wonder what  I could have done differently as a parent is the response I get when I say, ‘I love you.’ Instead of a resounding ‘I love you too, Mommy!’ what I hear is ‘um hmm’ or ‘ok.’ I could let this strike me prostrate with grief, but instead I think back to my own teenage years and my surliness and mood swings with my own parents, and I realize it has nothing to do with me. It is all about my boys and the changes they are going through as they find their own way in the world. High school graduation, college, career choices, social pressures, and the occasional bad hair cut are all reasons to cause uncertainty and aggravation. Throw in some crazy woman clinging to their arms as they try to leave the house, and it’s no wonder all they can do is grunt. So, thank you Mom and Dad for your  patience, guidance, and unfailing love during my tumultuous teens, and for keeping your  snickers to a minimum as I bemoan my own trials as a parent of teenagers. I will continue to call out, ‘I love you, Buddy’ when my sons head out the door, and I’m doing a pretty good job.

Happy 14th, Erin!

Friday, January 28th, 2011

Given the way teenagers are portrayed in the media and on the news, I’m surprised anyone has children any more! Luckily, not every child transforms into a teen terror once they hit their 13th birthday. I’d even go so far as to say that for every teenager who fits the stereotypical image of the surly, self-absorbed, and non-engaged teen, there are a hundred who are not. My cousin Erin is a shining example. When I named Chinaberry’s ”Erin’s Bracelet” after her, I wrote how she brings beauty and delight to life. She does this by living her values and following her bliss, volunteering at the Humane Society, playing tennis, sewing, gardening (she’s a vegetarian), and now she’s taking guitar lessons. With the gusto she puts into her days, she has no time to be surly or sullen! Today, her 14th birthday, I celebrate all the teens out there who, like Erin, are engaged in life and want to make a positive difference in this world. In the midst of all the reports of school shootings, substance abuse, and gang activity, let’s remember to acknowledge the countless teens who are making this world a better place.

Encouraging Your Kids to Live Their Bliss

Thursday, January 20th, 2011

Recently I was on a flight with a self-professed high school ”nerd.” During our 2-hour flight, I told him the good news — that if he’s a nerd now, I can pretty much guarantee one day he’ll be living The Good Life if he can survive the next four years without dropping out — of school or life. School life, I told him, is not kind to nerds, but real life is, as 20-year high school reunions can attest to. The teen years can be such a brutal time in our children’s lives. They don’t have the life experience to know that this conform-to-the-herd-or-be-a-nerd time is so temporary in the grand scheme of things. They don’t yet understand that a whole new world awaits in the not-too-distant future — where the dweeb of the lunchroom can be the CEO of the boardroom and the mousy girl in hand-me-down clothes can win an Oscar one day.

The key is to help our children discover what it is they truly want to do, what makes their heart sing, and let that define them and motivate them rather than their peers’ opinions of their shoes or how they wear their hair. If we parents/mentors don’t create the space for our kids to be real and feel listened to, where else will they find it? If your 16-year-old’s heart’s desire is to draw cartoons, encourage it, celebrate it, allow him to  experience a sense of mastery in it, and explore possible career paths involving art even if your practical side is screaming.

My airplane buddy has a passion for World War II history and would love to work in a museum one day, but his mom is hoping he’ll become an ultrasound tech because they’re really in demand and make good money. If I could have coffee with his mom, I would first applaud her for raising a son who knows his bliss. If she said, ”Well, I don’t see how it’s going to put bread on the table!” I’d agree with her that it might not be easy, but then I hope I’d have enough gumption to tell her I hoped her son would find the courage and the means to live an authentic life. I might even share one of my favorite quotes by Howard Thurman: ”Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Since it’s highly unlikely I’ll ever meet this boy’s mom, I guess the next best thing is to write this to all the moms (and dads!) out there whose children are entering that stage where true passions and interests often take a backseat to their peers’ opinions, especially if their interests are not ‘cool.’ We can’t control what their peers say, but we can control what we say. The world may need more ultrasound techs, but my hope is that each of us looks for what makes our children come alive in the world and helps to nurture it. Wishing you all a beautiful spring full of hope and new life.

In the Blink of an Eye

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

It happens to the best of us. While we’re busy living, life just about passes us by. Never is this more apparent than with our children. We have our babies, and then in that veritable blink of an eye, they’re crawling, walking, and talking. Our little ones amaze us with each new milestone that seemed impossible just a month ago. Before we know it, they’re in kindergarten, with circle time, ABCs, and even reading. Another blink of an eye, and they’ve finished elementary school and are well into middle school, learning more facts, making new friends, playing sports, having fun. In short, living their lives.

I bring this up because the latest hurdle we’re facing is high school. My voice still quavers a bit when I tell people my oldest son is now in high school. Gone are the days when I could sit in the back of the classroom and help staple some construction paper together, read with a group of kids, or help others with their multiplication tables, while keeping half an eye on my son. Sure, if there’s a clean-up day or a call for some kind of assistance at the high school, I help when I can. But those days of hanging out in the classroom are gone.

While a part of me grieves this loss, another part is starting to accept the inevitable change. Not too long ago, I was reminded of our true role as parents by some gentle neighbors whose kids are now adults. John said it so eloquently and it rings true for me during these days that seem to be just flying by: Our job is to set our kids free, like a mother bird nudges her young from the nest, ready to fly. Whether we are ready for it or not, they are ready.

So these days, when I’m thinking about which college might be the best fit rather than which art project students could make for a teacher present, I remember these wise words. Hugging my now-towering sons and saying ‘I love you’ more often also seems to help me appreciate the time we have. Like it or not, they will be on their way sooner than I may want, but for now I will try to savor each day we have together. As summer unfolds, I hope you enjoy some special times with your children, knowing that soon enough they will be on their way.

T.A. Barron Discusses Chinaberry

Monday, March 1st, 2010

T.A. Barron, author of the Merlin Series, shares his thoughts about Chinaberry in this video. We thank him for his kind words. You can purchase T.A. Barron’s Merlin Series on our Shopping Site.

Enjoy the Ride

Monday, February 22nd, 2010

My younger son is now of driving age, and I hesitantly let this inexperienced, newly permitted driver take the wheel on a recent weekend get-away. We left at rush hour, because why wouldn’t you want your 15-year-old kid to have his first freeway experience at the busiest time of the day with the sun setting directly behind him so he can’t really see if the brake lights ahead of him are on or not!

After nearly putting my foot through the floor a few times, I forced my shoulders back down to a normal position and settled in for the ride. I did my best to give directions with plenty of notice so there were no last-minute lane changes, and gently suggest slowing down ahead of time rather than waiting until there were only inches to spare between us and the next car. As the busy city freeway gave way to the less traveled rural roads, I was struck by how the changing landscape mirrored the changing stages of life with my children.

As a new parent, I often felt frazzled, with never enough time to get everything done and never feeling sure I was doing things ‘right.’ Then, without my realizing it, the ‘rush hour’ days eased into a little slower pace. The elementary school years were filled with wonderful discoveries and hours spent together. As we passed through the countryside with its softly rolling hills, we started to climb to higher elevations much like the challenges of middle school. Projects became more difficult, friends came and went, and like our ride, first there was a gentle slope, a dip into a small valley, another slope, and then the tumultuous teen years, full of steep inclines, sharply twisting roads, and the uncertainty of what might be waiting around the next corner.

Finally, we reached the summit and began to descend through the now rocky landscape, just as my boys have turned into young men with deep voices trying to find their own place in the world. Now, as I sit up late at night waiting for them to come home, or have a ‘discussion’ on why it is so important to do their very best in whatever they attempt, whether it seems completely irrelevant to them or not, I think about that trip. The rough, unforgiving landscape gave way to the vast, open desert, the infinite vistas filled with the same promise of adventure and discovery my boys have waiting for them in the future. And just as my baby boy did fine on that drive (we arrived with all our parts intact), I am reminded that my boys, too, will do fine no matter where life takes them. I can’t control it all; I can only offer my voice of experience when needed or wanted and sit back and enjoy the ride.

Super Sports Disks

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

Why are these sports disks one of my top five favorite toys of all time? For one, they encourage kids to get outdoors and get physical! I’ve used them with my 4-year-old grandson as well as with my own friends, and we’ve all had a blast. The foam-ringed disks have a high-strength mesh net that makes the ball catapult off it, enabling you to catch and throw balls up to 150 feet. They’re perfect for the beach or pool since they won’t sink, and on scorching hot days, use them with water balloons! Both sizes are suitable for 4-year-olds and up, but the larger ones are easier for younger ones to use (I actually prefer them myself!), progressing to the smaller ones after a little practice. Each size comes with 2 disks and a 2-inch rubber ball. Winner of the 2007 Parent’s Choice Award. (Colors may vary.) 4+; $39.95. Mini Sports Disc also available.

Review by Janet at Chinaberry